Transparency

Its time to be transparent. Its time for me to admit to my private struggles in order for Gods works in my life to truly shine. I have a theory that as we keep our battles, hurts, and fears private it tends to dampen how others see our God at work. Of course we praise God when the sun is shinning. But we also praise him during the rain...

This is the story of my current storm.

Daren and I have been talking baby names since our second date. We have been hoping to concieve that child to name for the last 7 months. Within these last months we have had one endometriosis diagnosis, one laparoscopy to remove the endometerosis and two ovarian cysts and two chemical pregancies ( i.e. very early miscarriages). We do not believe that we are infertile but we have come across some rough road bumps.

Daren and I went up to Presentation Sunday with my cousins Bill and Gina last weekend.

The service was wonderful. There was a really long time of worship and then the pastor spoke about the power of the word of God. Not the bible, but the power in words and in the words God speaks. After that two women stood up and gave their testimonies regarding how they grew their families. One woman could not carry a pregnancy and at 46 she got pregnant and felt God had touched her heart and she new she was having a girl and her name was to be Alicia. After a miraculous natural conception she miscarried again. After that on an act of faith she bought a cradle and put that cradle at the end of their bed trusting that God would fill it with their baby. They were too old toadopt and too old to conceive naturally. One day her husband heard Dr Dobson interviewing a woman about Embryonic Adoption and came home and told her that this is how they would get their baby. A matter of months later they were matched with embryos that had been stored andfrozen for 4 years. She had a daughter and her name is Alicia.

The Pastor took the mic around and couple after couple testified to the miracle that God had done at this service last year and in previous years. For one couple they were both considered infertile due to her endometriosis and him being treated for brain cancer as a teen. They stood up and held their baby who was born 9 months after being prayed for at this service last year.
Another couple stood and showed off their twin girls who were born Dec31st from IVF. They testified to the miracle birth of their children and reminded each couple to not underestimate the way in which God will make you parents.

Bill and Gina have friends who had been told that she had no eggs. No eggs! They now have 5 children as a direct result of being prayed for at this service. Each child was conceived naturally and is a productof being prayed for at Presentation Sunday and believing. I was so moved when Rich, the dad of this family, came up to meet us and told us that they have our names and pray for Daren and I as a family.

Then it was time to go to the front and kneel at the alter. The pastor prayed a prayer over all of us up front and invited other couples who have had the blessing of children to come and lay hands on us. Bill and Gina came forward and laid hands on Daren and I and prayed prayers of healing and of faith.

Two other pastors laid hands on us and prayed for the desires of our hearts to be granted and for our home to ring with the laughter ofchildren. At one point, Wyatt, the son of Rich, who must be around 7 years old stood before us and laid his young hands on our shoulders and prayed for us!

Stranger after stranger laid their hands on our shoulders and prayed and prayed and prayed. Prayed for a miracle, prayed for faith, prayed for healing, prayed for patience. Daren and I both cried the entire time while we were on our knees at the altar. At one point Daren reached over and I didn't know what he was doing until I realized thathe was actually reaching for my tear soaked snot covered Kleenex!

I have been praying for the last several weeks that the Lord would raise people up to pray for us and as we walked away from the alter a woman from the church gave me a necklace with the verse "Be still and know that I amGod" on it and a note attached that read "WE ARE PRAYING FOR YOU".

When we were back at Bill and Gina's and packing up our things I mentioned to Daren how if he had gotten pregnant right away we never would have sought God like this. And he said to me "Its like we saved our own lives trying to create one" It was beautiful!

Bill and Gina gave us a Winnie the Pooh sleeper and hat baby outfit that is now out in our house as our act of faith that God will bless us with the baby to fill it.

This service has given me the courage to continue to hope and to be more transparent about this journey.

We now wait in expectation for our miracle in Gods time.

Weakness

Why do I have to struggle with this?

For in your weakness I am made strong.

But this hurts so much?

For in your weakness I am made strong.

I don't know how to handle this?

For in your weakness I am made strong.

But I want this so badly and I can't do anything about it?

For in your weakness I am made strong.

God please help me.

Be still and know that I am God.

God I trust that you are faithful.

Rejoice in the face of hardships, for I have overcome the world.

God, I'm getting tired.

Your weakness and woundedness are the openings though which the Light of the knowledge of My Glory shines forth. My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness.

Be still and know that I am God.  

Psalms 46:10

Betrayal

Last night we had another discussion that lasted well past the hour of the nightly dog walk.  Finally, at a peak point in the stand off Boomer, whom I love and adore and have raised since puppyhood, walked over and peed on my foot.

Dog Decision Score: 1:1

Mans Best Friend

Turns out, in the Benson home man's best friend is actually the woman's right hand man.

Last night Daren and I began a...discussion.  This discussion may have involved raised voices and then a lot a tense silence that continued on into this morning.  As the two of us stood in the kitchen this morning eating breakfast it was clear that it was time to make our final arguments.

Daren spoke and I spoke. This time there were no raised voices only thoughts and the memories of last nights feelings. As I neared the end of my closing argument Boomer came around one side of our kitchen island and sat securely by my side and stared straight up at Daren.  Daren look down at him and said "Are you defending her?"   With that comment Burl, Daren's dog whom he refers to as his first son, came around the other side of the island and sat solidly down on my other side.  "You too?!" was Daren's response.

Clearly, in the eyes of the dogs, I made a better closing argument.

Good Boys!

Christmas Morning at The Benson's

Favorite Christmas Presents 2008

Arctic Blast 2008- Our Back Yard

Initially I made the bad decision to not wear a hat... I love being downtown in the snow. Everything is all lit up like a Christmastree.

Eventually I found my hat.

O Christmas Tree

DREAM CHRISTMAS TREE DAY

Daren and I wake to a crisp clear day. We talk animatedly about our up coming adventure over a morning up of coffee before we load up the dogs in the truck and head out in search of this years perfect tree. After a nice 45 minute drive with Christmas music playing in the background we find the ideal trail and head out into the woods to cut down our own tree.

With the dogs running and leaping in the snow, Daren and I tromp hand in hand with big smiles on our faces in direction of our tree.

We find it! Daren cuts it down in a few swift easy motions and we pull our new found piece of Christmas perfection and load it into our truck.

Arriving home, we stand the tree up in our house in the corner that seems to be made for a Christmas tree. As we decorate the tree together between sips of Eggnog and Rum we laugh and share stories of our favorite Christmas' past. Between choruses of Joy to The World and Here Comes Santa Claus we sneak kisses and endearing looks each knowing in our hearts that we will remember this moment forever....

ACTUAL CHRISTMAS TREE DAY

Daren and I wake up to his pager going off and a rain storm outside. Instead of the lively conversation over a cup of coffee the words "Let's get moving this morning, I've got to get to the hospital and get all of the Christmas shopping done today" are what ring throughout our house.

Daren hurries out the door to get the his patients at the hospital while I stay at home and try to move nearly every piece of furniture we have trying to find just one square foot of space to put our tree.

By the time Daren gets home it is a freezing down pour outside and I've made my choice on the tree placement to which I heard "Thats weird." I responded with a chipper "I can't find another place in here...and its freezing and wet out there so let's just go to a lot"

We drove up the road about 10 minutes while Daren returned messages and I sang Christmas songs to myself. Once at the lot we saw this.....nothing says Merry Christmas quite like a flock of plastic pink flamingos.

We found in our tree in 3 minutes flat.

We found our wreath in about 8 minutes.

We came home and made our eggnog and rum. And let's just say it didn't sit well on any ones stomach....

Daren began to put the lights on the tree and slowly but surely I overtook him with what Daren very diplomatically called my "process" for decorating a tree. He then had to head out to shop since this was his only free weekend and I decorated the tree alone while watching a sappy love story on TV.

There was a brief interlude of romance in the day. This is Daren dancing to the Christmas music with Burl by the tree.

Ladies and Gentleman and I now present you with.....with....For the first time in 6 years my tree doesn't have a solid name. I think her name is Daphne, but Daren claims he peaked under its branches and its a boy named Jimbo. Regardless, here is our Christmas Tree from our unexpected albeit perfect Christmas Tree Day. We will remember this random day filled with unexpected events and lots of laughs for the rest of our lives. It was perfect.

Merry Christmas.