Its been three nights since I've slept well. I've been up for everything from the sudden increase in trips to the bathroom, rain on the windows, the dog rolling around the having his own personal play date at midnight, my husbands sleep sounds, my baby crying and of course, my favorite of all of my pregnancy symptoms, Restless Leg Syndrome.
It may be the tiredness, but I suspect its the knowledge of what's to come that is keeping me in this place. Georgia has been sleeping perfectly through the night like a champion sleeper for two months now. Once she hit 9 months old her sleeping habits rounded to bend and she began to sleep from 7 p.m. to 7 am like a dream. Now after a 2 month break from my nighttime routines, she is back up and I have no idea why. We were up last night for a good 45 minutes and she was very sad and I still have no idea why. Together we rocked and rocked in sweet silence until her eyes finally drooped closed and I placed her back down in her crib, which she promptly responded to by waking up and wailing. Eventually the combo of crying it out and soothing visits from me did the trick and she fell back asleep for good until about 6:30.
In the meantime, at 5:15 am I received a text message from my best friend telling me that her grandpa has passed away at 5:00 am this morning. I've met her Grandpa Jim and I still refer to him as "Turkey Butt" because thats what he also called me. Having lost my own grandpa just under a year ago I feel an extra amount of empathy for her and her family as they now navigate these waters of grief and funeral planning.
When my husband rolled over and wrapped his arms around me for some much needed quality cuddle time all I could think about was the coffee brewing downstairs and my future sleeping patterns.
While pregnant with Georgia I was nervous about how I was going to handle it all, How in the world was I going to get through life on such little sleep? I made it through but not without landing myself in some dark emotional corners and falling asleep in the most random of places. Now as I look to the next year of my life I'm just plain scared.
I know what I'm in for.
I have yet to decide if I think that these last two months of Georgia's perfect sleeping habits are a blessing or a big joke. It has been blissful to sleep through the night so many nights in a row and sometimes even wake up before her, but now as my nights are breaking up into little pieces again I wish I didn't quite remember how lovely sleep really is.
Two of the biggest blessing of this second time around are one; that I fully understand that the newborn months are a phase that pass you by in a blink and that it does get easier and two; that Daren and I have been through this before as a couple and are already laying out plans to bypass some of the tough times that befall a married couple when welcoming home the biggest change of your life who is wrapped in a swaddling blanket and weighing in at 6 lbs. 3 oz.
As I near the end of my second trimester I am finally feeling pregnant and moving like I am pregnant. My workouts are feeling harder and are starting to wear me out for the whole day. My moods are starting to change more rapidly and I can't stand myself moody. My body looks nothing like the body and figure I recognize and I still have a long way to grow before it starts the long haul back to my skinny jeans. Still, for this being my second pregnancy in as many years and I am only up 25 lbs total from my pre-pregnancy weight, I count that to be a victory that I am doing my best to hold on tightly to.
Nevertheless, today at 25 weeks pregnant I am in that place where I feel like I have been pregnant for a very long time and that I still have a long way to go. ( To be fair I have been pregnant for 15 our of the last 20 months). I had to pull my foot up across my knee to put on a pair of boots over the weekend and I thought to myself " Aw Man, I'm not going to be able to bend in half again for another 6 months!" I don't know if its the current lack of sleep, the changing weather, or the daunting prospect that I may not sleep again for the next year that has me in this place, but I'm there.
I'm in that place today. That place that all pregnant women pass through on their journey toward Motherhood. That place where you feel nothing like your former self and are not yet your future self. I wouldn't change it for the world, I wouldn't give up the opportunity to grow and carry our babies for anything.
Even still, I am in talks with God about some sort of Sleep Exchange Program, I'm pitching the idea of eating more ice cream to get more sleep. Some sort of pints of Cookies and Cream to Hours of Sleep ratio. I'll keep you all posted.
As for right now, the coffee is hot.
